Thursday, January 9, 2020

Fod Bloog: Football Roll

Damn I love sushi.
But you know what's better than sushi?


Yep. I just had a Bernie volunteer come to my door and we talked for a good half hour.
I'm not afraid to put my name alongside my politics. Today's issues are fucking important. My political views are based on my ethics. If you don't like my politics, you don't like my ethics, and thus probably don't like me.

Good news! I don't care.
Lets talk about this sushi now!

It's all about presentation folks.

What you need:

1) Nori
2) Rice
3) Cream Cheese, Vegan
4) Some kind of flavored chip, probably not Vegan
5) Vinegar

6) Sugar, or optional red sprinkles.

I'll never have sub 10% body fat.

I remember rolling my sushi as far back as 2003 when I lived in the Dacha on the side of the Connecticut River in New Hampshire. Hell, I rolled 20 some odd rolls for my own birthday party living there. I've rolled lots of sushi, and all of it vegetarian.
The exact date I came up with this roll eludes me. Let's say it was...Super Bowl Sunday 2005. That works. That seems fitting given the name "Football Roll".

Here's how you make this swamp grass looking abomination:

Cook your rice. DO NOT USE RAW RICE. That would be terrible. Cook your rice of choice according to the directions. I use plain white rice, its really cheap and easy to cook.

Pro Tip: Use last night's Chinese Takey Outey left over rice instead of cooking up new rice.

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.

Prepare your vinegar and sugar emulsification. I typically use about a quarter cup of Apple Cider Vinegar and two or three teaspoons of white sugar, your tastes may vary. Make sure the sugar is dissolved in the vinegar. Nuke it, mix it.

Prep your chips of choice.
 Pro tip: Avoid any kind of "puff" as they're too mushy. You can use a blender if you want, but I just smoosh a bowl of chips with another bowl, like in these pictures below.

I can't get these stupid pictures to line up correctly.

Smashy Smashy!!

Rice all done? Add that vinegar and sugar mess and stir thoroughly man.

Get your nori on your board then spread some rice on the nori. Not too much now!

Hungry yet?

Apply a layer of cream cheese. Don't go overboard! That vegan cream cheese is expensive.

This cream cheese sucks on so many levels.

Sprinkle some of your chips according to your preference. Before you get all crazy, make sure those chips are in small enough chunks that they won't pierce the nori when you roll it.


Now roll that shit!!

Sorry ladies, that is indeed a wedding band.

Cut that roll into bite size pieces, put them on your fine china and serve with your favorite soy sauce and wasabi paste.

Show your fine work to the wife:

A picture is worth a thousand words. This sushi is worth about a dollar fifty.

After all this you may be wondering why I call them Football Rolls.

There's a lot of calories in this roll, eat enough of them and you'll end up looking like a guy that does nothing other than watch football.

Please don't take this as any kind of endorsement. I dislike the NFL and football as a whole.

The Surgeon General recommends 20-30 minutes of moderate activity a day.
I recommend more than that the day after eating Football Rolls.

On a side note, but also very important, I used Miyoko's vegan cream cheese, it is absolutely disgusting. Tasted like old school Turtle Wax with some salt added to it.

If you'd like other wonderful Sushi ideas, please check out my Christmas Sushi!

1 comment:

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