Monday, November 13, 2017

Fod Bloog: Not Dogs are good.

I'm starting this Fod Bloog with a picture of Texas, aka Shitten. Why? Because it's a pretty funny picture, and I don't think anyone would click on the link if they saw a picture of today's Fod Blooger recipe.


I always eat like I'm on a strict budget. Perhaps I was raised that way or perhaps I've just realized that I don't have a ton of money to spend on food. 

(It's the ladder. My Dad was a professional chef and my mother and sister will put most cooks to shame. It's a "me" thing.)

Today's recipe is "No Perro Borrito con Uvas y Limonada" 

Or, if you're not SSL (Spanish as a Second Language),

"Not Dog Wraps with Grapes and Lemonade"

Doesn't that look good!?

What you'll need:
 1) A frying pan
 2) Earl, veggie or olive. (Earl is how they say Oil in the south)
 3) Knife, cutting board optional, French Knife recommended
 4) One package of Tofu Hot Dogs, aka Not Dogs or No Perro
 5) Flour Tortillas or Wraps, Corn Tortillas are too dry for this
 6) Nutritional Yeast
 7) Grapes
 8) One can of Lemonade or Limonada
 9) One ugly worn out plastic bowl
 10) A television to distract you from your own horrible reality

What is that thing in the lower left? I've no idea. Cheese? Potato? Yucca? Plastic? No, its the hole in the cutting board.

If your Grapes and Lemonade aren't already, stick em in the fridge. They taste better cold.

Heat up your frying pan. Yep, just heat up the pan. Put it on a burner at Med/High and heat it up a bit.

While the pan is heating, slice up your Not Dogs to the desired thickness. I recommend slicing them at an angle with about a quarter inch thickness. This'll make 'em crispy on the outside without drying out the inside.

Add some earl to your hot frying pan. Be careful though. That pan's hot, don't burn yourself. Don't use a ton of earl, we're here to saute not deep fry.

I found this frying pan when I was cleaning out abandoned apartments. I bought the earl.

Finish slicing up the Not Dogs if you were too damn slow. Do you even know how to use a French Knife?

Choppy Choppy

Got 'em all sliced? Throw them into the pan.

This is only a half of a package of No Perros

You should be cooking them over Med/High heat still. If you don't have a good Frying Pan Flip, you can stir them up about every sixty seconds or so. Don't use a metal utensil in your non-stick pan!

Saute until both sliced edges are crispy brown then throw a couple of wraps on top of the pan, you wanna warm them up a bit and why bother dirtying another pan or using the microwave.

Pro Tip: Leave a little hanging over the edge. This makes it easier to remove with just your fingers.

You may need tongs, or a fork, or just use your fingers to remove the wraps once you've gotten them nice and warm. 

Toss the wraps into your bowl and portion out your Not Dogs onto the wraps.

Sprinkle liberally with Nutritional Yeast and roll however you deem fit to make borritos. (pronounced Boh-Ree-Tohz)

Remove your grapes from the fridge and toss a handful into the bowl.

Grab your lemonade, a napkin and your bowl of deliciousness and sit your fat ass down in front of some Arrested Development


I hope you enjoy today's recipe, and thanks for reading.

This is some other grossness, Protein Pancakes, from 2015.