Thursday, October 5, 2017

Fourty Seven Tendencies of Highly Unsuccesfull People


 At forty seven I sometimes feel like maybe somewhere down the line I should have had some direction in my life.
 Hell, I probably did have direction but got confused or lost or distracted or whatever.

Creative trail marking, creative life decisions. Symbiosis.

Today, so I may help all of you from making similar decisions, I am going to attempt to dial in the deets on what the hell went wrong.

And let me emphasize this point: I may not have a ton of shit, but I'm happy as hell. So take that Success.

Here we go in no particular order (I wrote this over several days so my mind wandered all over the place).

FAIR WARNING: Most of the links send you to music videos. Van Halen, Twisted Sister, Rush, Iron Maiden and such. You should listen to them while reading this. That's why I put them there.

1a) Miscount whenever possible: If the presentation calls for forty seven bullet points, give 'em forty six. Or try to over achieve and shoot for forty eight. Or twelve and half.

1b
) Misspell "Successful" in the title of your blog.

2) Stay hungry: There's never going to be enough food to feed this stupid planet anyway, and you need to do your part. Being hungry all the time makes for some wonderfully piss poor decisions. Whether it's dieting or just being poor, Stay Hungry.

3) Pick a career in a dying trade: Get yourself a job at Best Buy or Blockbuster. I put my years into the printing industry. Stupid internet.

4) Spend all your money on your pets: Got a decent 501k? You should probably cash that in to afford the vet bill. In fact do it twice. (Hint: it's worth it)

5) Skip College:  Maybe you don't need a degree to get a decent job, but I tell you what, being half educated pretty much guarantees you're going to be working at that Blockbuster or picking up garbage.

Harvard is pretty. I miss New England.


6) Waste your High School years: My Dad ran a sub two minute half mile in school. Do you know how fast that is? It's really damn fast. He spent his time on athletics and studying. I spent my school years getting laid, getting stoned and playing bass in a Thrash Metal Band (see #3, Thrash is pretty dead).

7) Don't sweat the light stuff: Don't sweat the important stuff either. You should only sweat when exercising or eating.

8) Fall asleep while reading textbooks: Reading is hard, sleeping is easy.

9) Ignore parental advice: Remember when your Dad told you not to get married straight outta high school? But you were smarter than him, huh? Or worse...maybe you got someone pregnant? Remember when the family disapproved of you dating that heroin addict? 

This ain't her, but you get the idea.

10) Collect credit cards from different banks and see which ones you can max out the quickest: Use your credit cards to buy shit you don't need. Use your credit cards to buy your friends shit they don't need. And then when you lose your minimum wage job you can buy crappy food. Or race entries....and that conveniently brings us to eleven.

11) Spend all your money on your hobbies: Race entries and gear, race entries and gear, race entries and gear. You cannot have enough EVER. This shit never ends.

12) Don't live in box: Boxes are quite frail, cardboard will not withstand a storm. You wanna live in bunker. A big fuckoff concrete bunker with rubber coated walls, inside and out. Everything you want to keep out should bounce off, nothing gets through unless its given to you by a hot blonde chick.

If I lived in a bunker on the beach I'd probably come out to surf a bit more. 


13) Develop random and miscellaneous OCDs. OCDs are an integral part of anyone's personality. When I'm not dicking around on this blog or falling asleep in an un-read textbook I really enjoy cleaning. If your environment is similar to a barn, this gives plenty of opportunity for you to OCD the shit of your day. 

This structure is more stable than my apartment building.


14) Suffer an un-documented head injury: Use your imagination here.

15) Judge not lest ye be judged: What the hell kinda bullshit is that anyway? We all judge each other whether consciously or not. It happens. 

Recognize this? See bullet point #6.


17) Don't put anything other than cocaine up your nose. This coming from a guy that's never even done cocaine.

I just wanted to post this picture.

18) Live like there's no tomorrow: The hand of the Grim Reaper could be reaching out for you right now. That Savings Account isn't gonna stop him. Neither is that horrible song I just linked up there.

19) See bullet point 1a and stop at 19 points.

  There you go. What a bunch of crap. In a few years perhaps we can look back on this and laugh. 

   If I was successful (in the socially accepted point of view) I would probably be at work right now and not have time to write this drivel.

 To hell with the socially accepted point of view. Better to be poor and happy with nothing than rich and miserable with everything.  Although longterm I think it'd be better to be kind of rich and happy with something. I gotta work on that. When that happens I shall write another blog post called "The Sixty Three Tendencies of Kinda Rich and Happy People".

Thanks for reading.

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